Sunday, 10 June 2012

Hammer's Dracula and Frankenstein series, as soccer reports

Re-published as a fond fairwell to Bulgarian vampire wizard Dimitar Berbatov. Good luck with your new club, Dimi, I hope it means we see you playing more often.



Curse of Frankenstein
Physically challenged science assistant fumbled with the brain early on resulting in a scrappy second half. Match stayed unresolved until the team bath.

A classic cup tie full of desperate lunges and last minute drama. Peter Cushing eventually emerged as Victor (though not in the Frankenstinian sense) by two falls and a disintegration.

Revenge of Frankenstein
A new brain transplant tactic by the home team successfully avoided the oppositions gallows based off side trap. The resulting cannibalism and bestiality was only interrupted by the predictably clinical finish.

Dracula, Prince of Darkness
With star striker Van Helsing unavailable the visitors relied on the waterlogged playing surface to destabilise the Transylvanian defence, who lost despite excellent support from the bench.

Evil of Frankenstein
Squabbles in the dressing room with the new team physio prevented the home team approaching the match with the right frame of mind. The star player in particular was a disappointment though did contribute to the usual spectacular Frankenstein finish.

Dracula has Risen From the Grave
Controversy marred this match arising from a disallowed staking decision. Home team eventually beaten by a lucky deflection and a spectacular impale.

And Frankenstein Created Woman
Further experimentation from the home teams manager resulted in an unorthodox striking partnership which had much success early on but soon fell foul of unfamiliarity problems. Still, parts of the new formation looked promising and hopefully shirts will be swapped at the end of the next match.

Taste the Blood of Dracula
The Transylvanians, playing in London for the first time found the experience disorientating even with strong local support. With commitment fatally lacking in the opposition penalty area only the Eastern european cuisine worried the Londoners.

Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed
The visitors began this match in determined mood. Again they were outmanouvered though Freddie Jones staggeringly confused performance threatened to bring the home side down in flames.

Scars of Dracula
A scrappy, unpleasant affair enhanced by constant neck high tackles and the graphic dismissal of Patrick Troughton after an off the ball whipping incident. Discipline and order were distinctly lacking despite the surprise presence of Dennis Waterman in Cushings position as the main provider of crosses. Extreme weather conditions contributed to a shocking, if not unexpected, climax.

Horror of Frankenstein
A travesty. They threw the match. "...sick as a rubber bat Brian."

Dracula A.D.1972
The return of the old protagonists failed to save the game from mediocrity as it saw the Transylvanians abandon their old 6-6-6 formation and black on black strip in favour of a Chelsea style line up and flairs. Script to man marking on Lee gave him little to do although a brief appearance from the always entertaining Munroe gave the home fans something to drool about. For the visitors Cushings Cruyff-like bathtub and skylight manoeuvre showed he still hadn't lost that blessed silver touch.

Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell
With Wayne Rooney on loan the Barons side were expected to win this tie though much of it had to be played in lunatic asylum to co-incide with FIFA rules on lunatic England footballers. Despite his presence clumsy mistakes were kept at a minimum (only Simon Wards brain squishing back pass spoke of former glories) and the resulting walk over drove the spectators mad at the end.

Satanic Rites of Dracula
Despite constant threat of illness (to everybody) the more modern Transylvanian formation continued to be refined and with the addition of more money and a sturdy, leather clad defence this became a red hot encounter with Cushing's squad which this time included the ever watchable Lumley. In a narrow finish Lee became a victim of his overgrown pitch with the coup de grace coming in off the post.

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