Some comfort for USA football fans - watch World Cup as Netflix

USA have not qualified for the next world cup after losing to Trinidad and Tobago. Urgh. One of the reasons association football is so exciting is comparative lack of scoring, meaning any one mistake can be hugely consequential and if you leave it to fate in this sport, fate will bite you on the a*se.

I know, I'm an Englishman, and because of that I can offer some comfort from similar disappointment in the past.

It's a sad fact but I nearly always enjoy football tournaments more when my own team does not qualify. I won't go into the details as it's depressing but watching World Cup as a neutral is far better.

Forget it's a sport you should be a part of, and if you really want to enjoy it, treat Russia 2018 as something more like a Netflix subscription.

Brazil, Belgium, Spain and France all play football like a movie directed by Luc Besson.
They will be out of this world to watch and it will probably be an experience like STAR TREK : DISCOVERY.

Germany are not far behind on the good to watch stakes but also have an admirable hypnotic sheen that would be like binge watching THE CROWN.

Italy, Uruguay and Argentina will be dramatic and gripping like BREAKING BAD

All the African teams will be as crazy entertaining as UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT

Any English speaking teams will be hard to watch but with air of unmissable eventual tragedy, like BETTER CALL SAUL. England will typically take this to a whole new level and add awkward tragi-comedy that wouldn't be out of place in THE OFFICE.

Like STRANGER THINGS? Need an unlikley story of no-hopers winning out in a far off fantasy world - Iceland! Qualified! Iceland!

 and finally.. to get to the he hosts of the World Cup 2018.. Have you seen ICARUS? The Russians have very little concept of fair play on current form and I would expect some of the antics with referees, officials, social media and mysterious information release to look quite a look like HOUSE OF CARDS (though MR ROBOT prob more appropriate).

If you really cannot watch as a neutral

• N Ireland
• Rep. Of Ireland
• Australia
• New Zealand

are all in the playoffs and might still qualify

But for sheer entertainment I would follow Belgium

Guardian Football Weekly Live London Palladium

Two thousand people pay to watch a live football podcast?

I've been listening to James Richardson's Football Weekly podcast since 2006. I find it the most consistently the funniest podcast on any subject, and a great window to football culture in the rest of the world. During a long six months in Gibraltar I hung onto every episode of this podcast like a lifebelt. It really kept me going.

My favourite lines from The Pod over the last decade

James Richardson on the magnificence of the Uruguayan national anthem

• “The sort of thing you’d expect to hear across a dusty piazza, played to a straggly line of soldiers in ill fitting uniforms, while a big fat guy in another ill fitting uniform covered in medals takes the salute next to a tart in a red dress who definitely isn’t his wife”

James Richardson on Zlatan

• 
  
• "I'm not saying he hit the ball hard but apparently they found a Higgs Boson on the pitch afterwards"

When I worked at the Guardian I actually met one of the contributors to Football Weekly, Jacob Stienburg, in a lift. He was the only journo I met in 4 months at the Guardian. When I was back with senior IT people afterwards I suggested they charge £15 a pop for the podcast and give the paper away.
After that they moved my desk into a corner :-)
Anyway..
The podcast has got so big it now plays its own live events, often comedy festivals. The Palladium was the biggest event yet, featuring most of the smart wittiest football writers in Europe, Barry Glendenning, Raphael Honigstein, Philipe Auclair, and even Spain's elusive Sid Lowe. It was packed, 99% with men which made for some of the comedy -- "we need a long 20 minute interval because we know the queue for the ladies toilets can be an issue"

Best lines were from tweets in the audience

• "If we vote for Brexit then win the European championship will that be the ultimate drop mic exit?"
• "What is faster, Per Mertesacker or the erosion of the UK coastline?"

Football Weekly will be going back to it's Daily format to cover the 2016 Euros

James Richardson has recently branched out into equally witty film reviews.

The producer of this frightening successful journalistic afterthought, Ben Green. also has an offshoot show just dedicated to creating your own podcast

---

Jimbo's Football Weekly has had a few rivals podcasts over the years, such as ESPNs Soccernet podcast and The Time's The Game, all of which are inferior, but only in that they are, at best, Manchester United 2009 vs Barcelona 2009.

The chirpy and irreverent (British) ESPN Soccernet podcast ended a few years ago.

The Game, usually hosted by the engaging Gabriele Marcotti, is uncertain to return for next season (based on their last episode). This would be a shame as it is a brilliant and often funny sports podcast which did prompt me briefly to get a Times subscription.. which I cancelled because life beyond the paywall still consists mainly of adverts!

Waiting for Mourinho at Manchester United is like watching Disney's THE BLACK HOLE

The pull of the Special One/Singularity is inescapable but the results at least won't be boring.

It may lead to another universe,

it will probably lead to total destruction,

it won't be smart,

it may be irritating in places,

but the fireworks will be stellar.



The world of Old Trafford now seems isolated from the rest of the galaxy.

Somewhere far, far away Leicester City are destroying Death Stars and overturning the Empire.

Arsenal are imprisoned in an enclosed time loop.
Chelsea and Spurs have regressed/progressed into some kind of Ape society , and Liverpool find themselves in a Mirror/Mirror universe where they appear to be temporarily bearable.


The Theatre of Dreams still has a dusty and fragile grandeur...

But the people at the controls are ego driven maniacs driven insane by their own previous tragic mistakes

Familiar faces from the past will be with us to brave the journey into the void

And though the suspicion is we are treading a familiar path into adventure/disaster, into almost a remake from an earlier era..

prompted by the sad but inevitable retirement of legends..

you would still be rather encountering freaks, monsters and robots in some nether world/division than finishing 4th from now until the End OF Time.

And the only truly painful thing to overcome  will be enduring the maturity of the press.

Even escaping the inevitable in the short term would not save us in the long term as the super dense stellar object will still be out there waiting for the force fields protecting us to eventually fail. Perhaps the sensible option is setting the controls for the heart of that roaring irradiated monster and going in at full throttle.

Especially if the alternative is to be further absorbed by V'GR/Van Gaal in an ongoing perpetually motionless picture.

FOOTNOTE FROM WIKIPEDIA

"In 2014, astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson deemed the film.."

(THE BLACK HOLE)

".. to be the least scientifically accurate movie of all time."

This clumsy artless nonsense is inspired by the genius of the Deadly Marina Hyde

World Cup 2014 Beyond The Wall of Sleep

So while friends of mine are enjoying Glastonbury what am I up to?

Repairing my financial position after a rather too expectant Spring. At least the tv was good. Only interesting thing I've managed to afford for a while for a while is The Drowned Man which I have a review of, posted maybe next.

Luckily I have World Cup as a cheap way to soak up waking time and I've found a good way to deal with the late kick offs which leave me sleepy all week - get up early and  use that modern miracle of televsion - "watch again"

To deal with disturbed my current sleep late night audio book is a favourite - Alistair Reynold's magnificent Revelation Space. Read for a second time, the influence of Lovecraft in his unknowable extra terrestrial horrors never more evident. (The Shrouders, relatively benign in Reynolds pantheon of Aliens, are 'utterly monstrous'). In the light of the recent Godzilla, which can be read as "Great Cthulhu Wakes In a Good Mood", perhaps the penetration of Horatio Philips into mainstream culture never more apparent

It is with this Lovecrafian backdrop I watch, half asleep, a World Cup beyond human understanding. My sleeping mind head is full of Reynold's Shrouders and Pattern Jugglers and my waking mind is full of impossible sleeping giants like Costa Rica and Algeria. Perhaps the unknowable multi-limbed form of Paul the World Cup Octopus haunts my dreams from another dimension.

I wake often with a mordant obsession.
After at least 10 years of this, is the powerful collective amnesia which hides Glen Johnson's monstrous defending for Liverpool and England actually supernatural or just beyond human understanding ?  Foreign types beyond the hypnotic sway of the cretins in the English press ... please help to wake us from this ongoing nightmare.

Glen Johnson - first actual evidence of supernatural/alien influence on human affairs?

Any Given Sunday review : England beaten by Oliver Stone, Al Pacino and Cameron Diaz (but mainly Uruguay)

World Cup 2014: Japan fans clear up stadium litter after opening game defeat
How can you not love the international celebration of national diversity that is the world cup?

This World Cup is so fantastic:

upsets, goals great games - it has even the Americans watching it.

The only group en-mass left actively resisting the call of this wonderful world wide celebration of human variety seem to be middle aged British women, and if they are as sick of the World Cup as much as I am sick of hearing them complain about it I'm going to remain single at least for the foreseeable future.
Thank god The Great British Bake Off only happens once every four years (?)

If there is more to your life than baking British cakes and you want to react against the World Cup in an original, positive way, while learning something about alien cultures and pastimes without having to deal with a round ball - here is an option.

Uruguay's heroic defeat of England last week was fueled apparently by a viewing of an old Oliver Stone movie almost unheard of in this country.

Any Given Sunday is Oliver Stone doing to America's favourite sport what he did to American democracy (in JFK), The Green Berets (in Platoon) and TexMex conservatism in Natural Born Killers. It's another agonised evisceration of a treasured cultural icon, in this case American Football. I have to assume it is because of our usual disregard for the sport that this classic movie with an all star cast and crew is virtually unknown in the UK.

The cast members I didn't recognise when I first saw this movie are all A-listers now. You'll see a young Jamie Foxx, Al Pacino, Dennis Quaid, James Woods, Aaron Eckhart and best of all a firebreathing Cameron Diaz, as toughgirl tomboy team owner Christina Pagniacci - her blazing confrontations with coach Pacino are one of many highlights away from the sporting action itself.

I've struggled to get friends into this movie because it is American football (those those that have watched it loved it). We mock American ignorance and disregard for soccer, to have the same attitude toward the highly evolved North American variant of rugby is hypocritical. Stone's dazzlingly choreographed game sequences convey the uniqueness of a sport controlled directly from the bench via headsets. (The crux of the movie is Jamie Foxx changing the coach's tactics on the field).

Unsurprisingly given some of the content, the NFL actively worked against the production of this movie and Stone and co were forced to create their own alternate football league to cover the sport with a frankness and honesty not seen yet in any other sports movie. The treatment of injury and drug use are particularly powerful.  James Woods, as a gleeful team doctor, seems to have strayed off a Cronenberg film.

The level of grit and honesty is comparable to The Wire, and aside from the sporting angle this is has a realistic and honest attitude to race without the preachiness you would expect from a film tackling the subject directly. Inserts from Ben Hur (and a cameo from Charlton Heston) make the allusions to slavery and gladiatorial combat explicit.

This is one of those movies that could be set around Crown Green Bowling and you would still watch it. The level of imagination and dynamism in the editing makes Scorsese's Raging Bull look like  a 1970s BBC Play For Today. Stone obviously shot weeks of controlled chaos and constantly incorporates multiple viewpoints making it difficult to tear the eyes away (I know this, I've just been trying to do my accounts and I've seen the movie 4+ times now).

OR
perhaps you don't want an alternative to the world cup, and just want an insight into the source of the powerful team ethic that allowed a team of half fit journeymen from a small country to beat a "team" of millionaires from the nation that invented the sport.

Pacino's speech IS a cracker.

2014 : The Year Of The British Siesta (World Cup Kick Off Times)

World Cup 2014 - Your guide to all the fixtures, dates and kick-off
times. Times are BST.

GROUP A - BRAZIL, CAMEROON, MEXICO, CROATIA

June 12 Sao Paulo, 2100: Brazil v Croatia

June 13 Natal, 1700: Mexico v Cameroon

June 17 Fortaleza, 2000: Brazil v Mexico

June 18 Manaus, 2000: Cameroon v Croatia

June 23 Brasilia, 2100: Cameroon v Brazil

June 23 Recife, 2100: Croatia v Mexico

GROUP B - SPAIN, CHILE, AUSTRALIA , HOLLAND

June 13 Salvador, 2000: Spain v Holland

June 13 Cuiaba, 2300: Chile v Australia

June 18 Rio de Janeiro, 2300: Spain v Chile

June 18 Porto Alegre, 1700: Australia v Holland

June 23 Curitiba, 1700: Australia v Spain

June 23 Sao Paulo, 1700: Holland v Chile

GROUP C - COLOMBIA, IVORY COAST, JAPAN, GREECE

June 14 Belo Horizonte, 1700: Colombia v Greece

June 14 Recife, 2300: Ivory Coast v Japan

June 19 Brasilia, 1700: Colombia v Ivory Coast

June 19 Natal, 2300: Japan v Greece

June 24 Cuiaba, 2100: Japan v Colombia

June 24 Fortaleza, 2100: Greece v Ivory Coast

GROUP D - URUGUAY, ITALY, COSTA RICA, ENGLAND

June 14 Fortaleza, 2000: Uruguay v Costa Rica

June 14 Manaus, 2300: England v Italy

June 19 Sao Paulo, 2000: Uruguay v England

June 20 Recife, 1700: Italy v Costa Rica

June 24 Natal, 1700: Italy v Uruguay

June 24 Belo Horizonte, 1700: Costa Rica v England

GROUP E - SWITZERLAND, ECUADOR, HONDURAS, FRANCE

June 15 Brasilia, 1700: Switzerland v Ecuador

June 15 Porto Alegre, 2000: France v Honduras

June 20 Salvador, 2000: Switzerland v France

June 20 Curitiba, 2300: Honduras v Ecuador

June 25 Manaus, 2100: Honduras v Switzerland

June 25 Rio de Janeiro, 2100: Ecuador v France

GROUP F - ARGENTINA, NIGERIA, IRAN, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA

June 15 Rio de Janeiro, 2300: Argentina v Bosnia-Herzegovina

June 16 Curitiba, 2000: Iran v Nigeria

June 21 Belo Horizonte, 1700: Argentina v Iran

June 21 Cuiaba, 2300: Nigeria v Bosnia-Herzegovina

June 25 Porto Alegre, 1700: Nigeria v Argentina

June 25 Salvador, 1700: Bosnia-Herzegovina v Iran

GROUP G - GERMANY, GHANA, UNITES STATES, PORTUGAL

June 16 Salvador, 1700: Germany v Portugal

June 16 Natal, 2300: Ghana v United States

June 21 Fortaleza, 2000: Germany v Ghana

June 22 Manaus, 2000: United States v Portugal

June 26 Recife, 1700: United States v Germany

June 26 Brasilia, 1700: Portugal v Ghana

GROUP H - BELGIUM, ALGERIA, SOUTH KOREA, RUSSIA

June 17 Belo Horizonte, 1700: Belgium v Algeria

June 17 Cuiaba, 2300: Russia v South Korea

June 22 Rio de Janeiro, 2300: Belgium v Russia

June 22 Porto Alegre, 1700: South Korea v Algeria

June 26 Sao Paulo, 2100: South Korea v Belgium

June 26 Curitiba, 2100: Algeria v Russia

LAST 16

Match 49 - June 28 Belo Horizonte, 1700: Winner A v Runner-up B

Match 50 - June 28 Rio de Janeiro, 2100: Winner C v Runner-up D

Match 51 - June 29 Fortaleza, 1700: Winner B v Runner-up A

Match 52 - June 29 Recife, 2100: Winner D v Runner-up C

Match 53 - June 30 Brasilia, 1700: Winner E v Runner-up F

Match 54 - June 30 Porto Alegre, 2100: Winner G v Runner-up H

Match 55 - July 1 Sao Paulo, 1700: Winner F v Runner-up E

Match 56 - July 1 Salvador, 2100: Winner H v Runner-up G

QUARTER-FINALS

Match 57 - July 4 Fortaleza, 2100: Winner Match 49 v Winner Match 50

Match 58 - July 4 Rio de Janeiro, 1700: Winner Match 53 v Winner Match 54

Match 59 - July 5 Salvador, 2100: Winner Match 51 v Winner Match 52

Match 60 - July 5 Brasilia, 1700: Winner Match 55 v Winner Match 56

SEMI-FINALS

July 8 Belo Horizonte, 2100: Winner Match 57 v Winner Match 58

July 9 Sao Paulo, 2100: Winner Match 59 v Winner Match 60

THIRD-PLACE PLAY-OFF

July 12 Brasilia, 2100

FINAL

July 13 Rio de Janeiro, 2000

Manchester United's history of managerial change - reality from those with long memories

I vividly remember the last managerial change over at Manchester United and would like to make a probably futile attempt to convey a dose of reality to those already attacking the new manager David Moyes.

The famous banner attacking Ferguson, three years after the most successful football manager in history started his job at Manchester United

• If David Moyes stays manager at Manchester United it will be all downhill at the club for the next three years
• If David Moyes leaves Manchester United it will be all downhill at the club for the next THIRTY years 

Obviously the club has been spoilt with success for decades but the team that Alex Ferguson eventually began to win trophies with at United bore very little resemblance to the team ( three time FA Cup winners) he inherited from the previous manager Ron Atkinson.
Ferguson in that horrible first few years cleared out all the fan favourites from Old Trafford, including Gordon Strachan, Paul McGrath, Kevin Moran and Norman Whiteside. It was heartbreaking, especially as some of these players would return to haunt the club later for their new teams. Ferguson knew what he was doing though, as club captain Bryan Robson was kept as a figure of transition, and Ferguson's final job saving trick was to bring back the fan favourite player Atkinson had foolishly sold to Barcelona - Mark Hughes.

The big new players to the club were massively expensive defenders like Gary (WHO?) Pallister and chippy busy midfielders like Paul Ince. None were flair players like Jesper Olsen. Ferguson swapped and changed with goalkeepers disastrously seemingly playing safe with a known Scottish keeper before somehow winning a European trophy by beating Barcelona with a solid shot stopper on loan from Luton (Les Sealey).

The style of play was rank and the player purchases were boring because Ferguson spent years building from the back. The stars we'd loved and cheered to epic FA Cup victories were replaced with some dour loyal Ferguson secret policemen. This gamble took three years to pay off, but it did eventually at the clubs darkest hour - losing the last 1st Division Championship to Leeds United (containing Gordon Strachan) when it was there for the taking.

The Championship had been lost in exactly the same way it had been lost throughout the 80s under Atkinson, with United surging through the table until a vital midlfielder (usually Bryan Robson, in this case Ince) was injured, and team collapsed. This could have been the end of the team and Ferguson's career. But by now, staffed with Ferguson's loyal soldiers, it only made them stronger. They won the Championship the year after and from there on the only way was up and eventually, only eventually, Fergie's teams became known for exciting football as well as being impossible to beat.

If you are looking at the United team now and saying to yourself "Moyes can't win with this team" - you are correct, because when he does start to win big it will probably with a totally different team. But if Moyes is removed and fans all jump on the managerial merry-go round we've seen at every other club for that last 30 years United may not win again at all.

The David Moyes of the late 1980s

And one final thing. DON'T LISTEN TO THE MEDIA. Liverpool fans and Newcastle fans have a point when they say the media has it in for them because turmoil at their clubs attracts attention and sells papers. Ferguson has spent decades making enemies in the press and the vultures have been circling for a while. There are a lot of journalistic careers waiting to be made by feasting on the corpse of Manchester United, and the tragic collapse of a giant followed by a annual managerial and player clear out is a narrative that makes a lot of people a lot of money.
You won't be one of them.

To go along with the "well today people don't have the patience to wait.." is a tacit admission you are a sheep whose head gets filled with whatever crap a tabloid news source is willing to peddle. Go along with it if you don't have ability to think for yourself but don't dare moan to me because I've seen it all before..

BBC Radio 5Live Tabloid Audio is an insult to everyone especially the license payer

I often serve, on this blog, often as a unpaid PR for BBC 6music. To
be honest I listen to 6 music because the previous station I used to
listen to, BBC Radio5live, has nose dived into moronic idiocy, and
I've just been reminded, by R5, that I should be providing some kind
of balance to the commercial stations.

I have just switched on the Radio5, (avoiding Nemone who is filling in
for Lauren Laverne on her 6music show this week), and Radio5 have a
typically goonish comedian/reporter interviewing people escaping the
cold in Britain to go to Berlin, where it is even colder. Yuk yuk.
(I did this myself a few years ago. Berlin is actually roasty in all
weathers. They have like central heating, decent insulation and people
who close doors)

So this typical R5 "personality" is bugging people in the queue at
Heathrow, he gets past a few German girls who say essentially "grow up
its not that cold in London" and he gets to a British guy and asks him
why he's going to Berlin, ending with

"Lets be honest, it's the beer isn't it? It's not the culture!"

*BERLIN*
There are comedians who make whole acts (Al Murray?) out of this kind
of pig ignorance. Well, THIS TIME I just cannot be bothered to
complain to the BBC trustees about this pathetic excuse for a national
radio station, instead I'm going to leave it up here and throw up some
rants from the past...

I can't find Dotun Adebayo's classic intervention into a debate on
animal cruelty
"It's nothing compared to slavery.."
but here are some of my other attempts to let off steam in their direction


A major reason for 5Live's existence is to supposedly cover mass popular sport when the BBC does not have the live tv rights..
Patchy coverage of the worlds most popular sports league

date: 25 August 2012 16:01

Just thought today I'd revisit an old pleasure, a long walk listening
to the football via an old friend, R5. Back when it started I used to
listen to R5 from dawn until dusk and beyond.

So imagine my astonishment, after a month of blanket Olympics coverage
and only two weeks into the season, on a miserable bank holiday when
the nation is all indoors, that you are choosing to cover that chummy,
clubby elitist favourite - Rugby - instead. Honestly ....if you cannot
summon the resources or will to cover the NATIONAL GAME on AM bloody
radio you may as well hand over the rights to someone else. You
actually drove me off as a regular listener years ago with infantile
personality driven programming (recent example SPOONY MEETS JOSE),
shrieking idiot commentators and trailers that sound like 6 year olds
locked in a joke shop overnight.

There is also the disgracefully patchy coverage - there is a 70 mile
stretch of the M4 and A303 where it sounds like you are broadcasting
from the edge of the solar system. It really hurts me to say this, as
R5 used to be like an old friend, but for at least a year R5 has made
TalkSport sound cerebral. As a regular listener you've lost me to ,
6music and R4, and are fast becoming a waste of the license fee. I
think I've heard the last of you.



Radio 5's Wake Up to Money - a short memory for the economic consensus pre-Crash

Wake up to Money(tarism)
5.30am
11/4/2011

Half of this mornings Wake Up to Money covered the proposed firewall
between consumer and investment banking. With the expert (Sir Humphry
Bufton Tufton from Credit Suisse) opinion being that regulation is a
bad thing. Presenters, as ever, agreed with accepted city opinion.

The other half covered Gordon Browns regret that he had not
effectively regulated the financial markets prior to the crash which
has devastated western economies. Brown had said regulation was
difficult as the consensus at the time was 'less regulation rather
than more'. Wake Up To Money presenters and expert chortle as ever at
the ex Chancellors opinion, sidestep his statement (perhaps because
this program has always been part of the very consensus opinion he is
talking about) and suggested that perhaps even less regulation at the
time would have been even more effective.

Wake Up to Money dates back to an era of the 1980s when the BBC was
regularly pilloried by Mrs Thatcher's government for lack of balance.
In stark contrast there never has been any political balance on this
program and it continues to promote discredited economic and political
arguments that are the direct cause of most the misery covered in the
rest of the news output.

Can I suggest that everyone involved in this program is made to watch
the 2011 Oscar winning documentary INSIDE JOB and then perhaps they
have a televised discussion on how many of their city drinking buddies
should currently be in prison?




Radio 5Live breakfast show thinks L Ron Hubbard was a scientist

22 October 2006 07:47

Note to breakfast presenters - L Ron Hubbarb was not a 'science author' - he was a 'science fiction author'

Probably not a big distinction for a news programme that needs a
special correspondent to come in and explain what the sound barrier is
(as happened last year) but important in this time of religious debate
to to point out that Hubbard was more aspiring Flash Gordon than
Einstein.

I was reminded this year after the death of Raymond Baxter that the BBC
used to have a a whole team of science correspondents, space
correspondent, aeronautics correspondents. Now if there isn't some
medical or celebrity angle involved all science items are ignored or
presented as if it were a reject from Blue Peter or Newsround. Its no
wonder Hubbarb is being turned into a scientist... he's so much easier
to explain than Stephen Hawking.

Normally I can take the dumbed down travesty that is R5 news but ....
god you know... honestly I used to be such a fan and promoter of R5.
And have to listen to voice of middle class (R4) now just to stop
myself waking up p*ssed off everyday

Why don't you just read articles straight out of the Daily Star?



Ahhhh I feel so much better now.. blogging is so therapeutic

Hammer's Dracula and Frankenstein series, as soccer reports

Re-published as a fond fairwell to Bulgarian vampire wizard Dimitar Berbatov. Good luck with your new club, Dimi, I hope it means we see you playing more often.

THE HAMMER FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP 

1957-73 SEASON  MATCH BY MATCH REVIEW

Curse of Frankenstein

Physically challenged science assistant fumbled with the brain early on resulting in a scrappy second half. Match stayed unresolved until the team bath.

Dracula

A classic cup tie full of desperate lunges and last minute drama. Peter Cushing eventually emerged as Victor (though not in the Frankenstinian sense) by two falls and a disintegration.

Revenge of Frankenstein

A new brain transplant tactic by the home team successfully avoided the oppositions gallows based off side trap. The resulting cannibalism and bestiality was only interrupted by the predictably clinical finish.

Dracula, Prince of Darkness

With star striker Van Helsing unavailable the visitors relied on the waterlogged playing surface to destabilise the Transylvanian defence, who lost despite excellent support from the bench.

Evil of Frankenstein

Squabbles in the dressing room with the new team physio prevented the home team approaching the match with the right frame of mind. The star player in particular was a disappointment though did contribute to the usual spectacular Frankenstein finish.

Dracula has Risen From the Grave

Controversy marred this match arising from a disallowed staking decision. Home team eventually beaten by a lucky deflection and a spectacular impale.

And Frankenstein Created Woman

Further experimentation from the home teams manager resulted in an unorthodox striking partnership which had much success early on but soon fell foul of unfamiliarity problems. Still, parts of the new formation looked promising and hopefully shirts will be swapped at the end of the next match.

Taste the Blood of Dracula

The Transylvanians, playing in London for the first time found the experience disorientating even with strong local support. With commitment fatally lacking in the opposition penalty area only the Eastern european cuisine worried the Londoners.

Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed

The visitors began this match in determined mood. Again they were outmanouvered though Freddie Jones staggeringly confused performance threatened to bring the home side down in flames.

Scars of Dracula

A scrappy, unpleasant affair enhanced by constant neck high tackles and the graphic dismissal of Patrick Troughton after an off the ball whipping incident. Discipline and order were distinctly lacking despite the surprise presence of Dennis Waterman in Cushings position as the main provider of crosses. Extreme weather conditions contributed to a shocking, if not unexpected, climax.

Horror of Frankenstein

A travesty. They threw the match. "...sick as a rubber bat Brian."

Dracula A.D.1972

The return of the old protagonists failed to save the game from mediocrity as it saw the Transylvanians abandon their old 6-6-6 formation and black on black strip in favour of a Chelsea style line up and flairs. Script to man marking on Lee gave him little to do although a brief appearance from the always entertaining Munroe gave the home fans something to drool about. For the visitors Cushings Cruyff-like bathtub and skylight manoeuvre showed he still hadn't lost that blessed silver touch.

Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell

With Wayne Rooney on loan the Barons side were expected to win this tie though much of it had to be played in lunatic asylum to co-incide with FIFA rules on lunatic England footballers. Despite his presence clumsy mistakes were kept at a minimum (only Simon Wards brain squishing back pass spoke of former glories) and the resulting walk over drove the spectators mad at the end.

Satanic Rites of Dracula

Despite constant threat of illness (to everybody) the more modern Transylvanian formation continued to be refined and with the addition of more money and a sturdy, leather clad defence this became a red hot encounter with Cushing's squad which this time included the ever watchable Lumley. In a narrow finish Lee became a victim of his overgrown pitch with the coup de grace coming in off the post.

Socceraid 2012 highlights

I don't know if you saw SoccerAid last night....

England celebs plus old masters take on a all-star Rest of the World team at a full Old Trafford for Unicef.

Best game of football I've seen for entertainment in ages. No-one on the pitch disgraced themselves, Will Ferrell and and out of condition Mike Myers both seemed to know what they were doing even if they were too slow to do it.. It was surreal as it sounds (England won the game)

Socceraid 2012 highlights

• Lots of repeats of Woody (doesn't even know what the penalty spot is for) Harrelson winning the penalty shoot out last time.
• Edward Norton and Will Ferrell realising they would be playing  the 78,000 capacity Old Trafford which really - no really - would be full - they stopped being funny and both went very pale and quiet.

(I remembered a conversation with two local business types in London bar re: the Olympics. They were very pessimistic and sceptical, even more than me. I tried to cheer them up by saying that al least the football would be good.
They said "It's all up North, Whose going to watch them teams in the summer?"
I explained that in the North West June-August you could fill football stadiums just to see dogs chase a football around.)

• Best singing of Abide with Me heard since FA Cups in the old Wembley
• Serge of Kasabian's goal, beautiful chip of David Seaman. Clarence Seedorf tried to do similar later, commentator "Only Nayim can do that".. yeah.. and Ronaldinho... and it turns out.. the lead guitar for Kasabian...
• Roy Keane hits the kid from JLS so hard he does a somersault (Wayne Rooney in studio at half time "It's a good job he's learned to do them flips on stage")
• Van Der Sar save from John Bishop's great shot
• Paddy McGuinness squares up to Gordon Ramsey suggesting there is some off the ball stuff happening
• Sheringham takes out Gordon Ramsey so completely he goes off on a stretcher needing oxygen
• Will Ferrell backheel to Clarence Seedorf
• Seedorf running the game for long periods
• Jaap Stam and Freddie Llundberg running about like Ronaldo and Giggs

Conclusion

Definitely worth a donation to a good cause

Seedorf, Llunberg and Jaap Stam have all still got it. Kevin Philips looked sharp as a razor.

When the stars tired out and it became a core of talented foreigners trying to handle a willing but limited England team it actually started to look like a real international, except that it was actually entertaining, and England won.

You can still donate