HOW PRESIDENT TRUMP DEALT WITH THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

 

Lessons in wartime leadership

Now we can look back at the Zombie war as history, it's time to reassess the effectiveness of the last president of the United States

JANUARY

The outbreak as we know it began in Pittsburgh, thought at the time to be a result of returning samples from a NASA probe to Venus. The dead began rising from the graves and began to eat the flesh of the living.

Although briefed in private this was a major threat, in public, he urged US life and business to carry on as normal.

“Don’t be afraid of flesh eating ghouls. Don’t let them dominate your lives.”

FEBRUARY

In February, he said: “Zombie apocalypse? It’s going to disappear one day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.”

He also said in the same month: “A lot of people think that they go away in April, with the heat, as the heat comes in, typically they will go away in April. Maybe on holiday, in Florida"

MARCH

As the horde of undead overwhelmed Pennsylvania the President reassured the nation 

“I like this stuff. I really get it,” Trump boasted to reporters during a tour of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, where he met with actual doctors and scientists who were feverishly scrambling to contain and combat the plague of flesh eating undead. Citing a “great, super-genius uncle” who taught at MIT, Trump professed that it must run in the family genes.

“People are really surprised I understand this stuff,” he said. “Every one of these doctors said, ‘How do you know so much about this?’ Maybe I have a natural ability.”

Later in March he put aside his scientific credentials and accepted a suggestion he had become a Wartime President.  “I do, I actually do, I'm looking at it that way,” Trump told reporters during a press briefing at the White House when asked whether he considered the U.S. to be on a wartime footing. “I look at it, I view it as, in a sense, a wartime president. I mean, that's what we're fighting.“

His first, and only, direct action as a Wartime President to combat the zombie apocalypse was to completely restrict travel from Venus.

APRIL

In response to the mass outbreak of cannibalism in New York, President dismissed it as Venus Virus and withheld army and troops for use in states that supported him.

“It’s a two-way street,” Trump told Fox News on Tuesday. “They have to treat us well, also. They can’t say, ‘Oh, gee, we should get this, we should get that.’”

After the disastrous Battle of Yonkers in which New York's military defenses were overwhelmed by the horde, the President questioned the motivation of the fallen heroes of the battle.

 “I don’t get it. What was in it for them?”

In late April, Mr Trump went back to his own scientific expertise. Backed by the White House's leading science advisor on the Zombie Virus, United States Marine Corps chiropodist Dr Ali Bongo, Trump wondered if Toilet Duck could be injected into humans to prevent the germs which return people from the dead as cannibals.

He said: “I see the Toilet Duck, where it knocks it out in a minute, one minute, and is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning?

MAY

In May, he said: “This, Apocalypse, this is a flu. This is like a flu.

“It’s a little like a regular flu that we have flu shots for, and we’ll essentially have a flu shot for this in a fairly quick manner. Or maybe we'll nuke some cities like I suggested with the hurricanes.”

Mr Trump said: “We think we are going to have a vaccine by the end of this year.”

JUNE

After the Battle of Yonkers Mr Trump said he had found it difficult to socially distance while meeting members of the armed forces who had been exposed to the Army of The Undead.

He told Fox News : “It’s very hard when you’re with soldiers, when you’re with airmen, when you’re with the marines, and with the police officers, I’m with them so much.

“And when they come over to you it’s very hard to say ‘Stay back, stay back’, you know, it’s a tough kind of a situation. They could eat your face off at any minute. it’s a terrible thing.”

He added: “They come over to you and they want to hug you and they want to kiss you, and maybe bite you, because we really have done a good job for them and you get close and things happen.”

JULY

Following an early theory that the virus came from a NASA space probe which landed in Pittsburgh, in July Mr Trump claimed to have seen evidence that the zombie outbreak originated in a Venusian laboratory, and speculated that the virus was released by Venusian authorities.

He said: “It’s a terrible thing that happened.

“Whether they made a mistake or whether it started off as a mistake and then they made another one, or did somebody do something on purpose. Who knows. They are aliens, and I've heard, from a good person, pedophiles”

AUGUST

The US president speculated on the use of anti-flu drug Lemsip, which Oxford University researchers found to have no clinical benefit in the treatment of post mortem human flesh cravings.

Mr Trump said his doctor did not recommend Lemsip to him but he requested it from the White House physician. “I started taking it, because I think it’s good. I’ve heard a lot of good stories,” Mr Trump said

SEPTEMBER

During a campaign rally in the swing state of Ohio on September 21, Mr Trump played down the scale of the virus.  He told supporters: “Now we know it. It affects elderly people. Elderly people with heart problems and other problems. Particularly tasty old people. But they have other problems, that’s what it really affects, that’s it.”

He added: “But being a zombie cannibal affects virtually nobody. It’s an amazing thing.”

"Brain eating is not a problem for young people" he said later

Trump was able to demonstrate it's harmlessness, when at the end of September, he was bitten on his backside and infected with the zombie virus by celebrity carrier Ted Nugent. 24 hours later Walter Reed hospital brought the President back as first undead POTUS.

OCTOBER

White House finally embraced the idea of using Herd Immunuty to tackle the zombie outbreak.

"Current hiding from flesh eating zombie policies are producing devastating effects on short and long-term public health,” stated a declaration with government backing, adding, “The most compassionate approach that balances the risks and benefits of reaching herd immunity, is to allow those who are at minimal risk of death to live their lives - or die and live again - normally, to build up immunity to the zombie virus through natural teeth based infection, while better protecting those who can afford private armies and fortified islands. We call this Focused Protection.”

"ZOMBIES.. ZOMBIES... ZOMBIES... ALL THE CROOKED MEDIA IS OBSESSED WITH" said the president as he gnawed the face off an ecstatic One America News Network reporter.

In his last statement Chief of Staff Mark Meadows said "We've given up handling the zombie outbreak", just before the boarded up windows of the Oval office caved in. Outside, the Trump supporters and the selfish, brain dead cold blooded creatures who only care about filling their stomach were now indistinguishable from each other.

Inspired by Keith Olberman

And remember, this weekend, spare a thought for the true spirit of the Samhain, and George Romero, John Carpenter, David Cronenberg, Wes Craven, Brian De Palma and John Landis